I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
