textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize