I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
