I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Randomize
