On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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