I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
