you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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