Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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