Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
