I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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