why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
