i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
