I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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