I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
