someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
