There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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