this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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