I'm eating all of the evidence.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
