i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize