just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
