Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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