I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My vagina is officially offended.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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