Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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