I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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