Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
