there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
