"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
