i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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