I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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