just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
