An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
