would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
