Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
