We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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