I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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