seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
