he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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