I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
