the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
