there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
