yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
