Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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