I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The adults are the big ones right?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
