please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize