I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
