I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
