The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
