and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
