You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
