You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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