she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
