Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
