I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
