you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
