she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
