Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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