i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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