i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
