May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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