His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
