It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
