i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
